Episode #5: The Rejecting Mother

Please note that by listening to this episode, you are agreeing to also listen to the next and final episode, which cleans up a single energetic thread in here that was off, related to a lack of reverence for the energetic mastery of my teacher (which is a lack of reverence for the Feminine).

I want to be very clear that the stroke she gave me that I talk about in this episode was not coming from her woman, or her personality. It was coming from her Channel and her field of truth. And it was right-on. It just took 9 months to fully land. I unpack this fully in the next 'Completion' episode.

It's important for me to leave this episode up for teaching purposes of the big dismantling that it brought up for me to be on my knees in true service to the feminine power within me, as it is an essential part of my story in the 'down'. And the episode still contains within it so much truth and wisdom that is not meant to be thrown away with the bathwater.

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The unavailable, rejecting, punishing Mother...

Last spring, I hit my most challenging spot. I became a child of a dark feminine onto which I projected my terror:

The terror of a child who had her trust broken, whose mother had been inconsistent in her affection, who had outright rejected her by choosing to not talk to her anymore, or making a big show of leaving the house when the child arrived home.

A child who's emotional needs were mostly neglected - or unpredictably met - as she was left to fend for herself. A child who felt trapped and just wished for the future when it could all be over and she would be free of this oppression.

A child who started to spin in panic at the fact that she was alone, that there was no one to help her.

So this child learned how to count on herself. She developed self-reliance. And she lived and died by it. Her survival depended on it.

So she developed OCD, bulimia, perfectionism, tightness with money, over-achievement, over-thinking, future-orientation, and over-functioning, and rushing to cope. A dire need to get it 'right' to avoid being ignored, being punished, being rejected. In short, anything that helped her control her environment (or feel that she had that control).

She closed her heart and her body, and she shot up into her mind to live from there, because that was where she felt safe.

She became a man energetically, dressed up in a very female body. Both of which she used to survive.

And then the dark feminine came in and said we are done doing this now. It's time to release all of this fear-based structure.

She stripped me down, naked. And stripped me all of my masculine patterns to deal with the places I was afraid.

And I rushed it. And I got whacked. On my knees. On the floor. Writhing in the core wound and my strategies.

I became the child again. I spun. I reached for something that wasn't there. I cried for help. I embodied that little girl. I shape-shifted into her.

For months.

She was screaming the terror she felt then, but that she didn't know how to share. She was consumed with the trauma that she had never let herself feel, or process, or even know was there. She knew her story well enough, but would tell it with no emotion, proud of how 'processed' she was. 

When she had never really touched it at all.

But the feminine knew this had to come up. That without feeling it, no true thing could come.

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This episode walks you through this panic that had me resisting true surrender.

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My teacher Perri's IG is: www.instagram.com/perri.chase/